Unfiltered thoughts for the Depressed

I love being brutally honest about my feelings and frighteningly vulnerable. I like being an open book and having people understand me from just looking at me. There’s something about being seen that makes me feel loved - even if it comes back to bite me in the ass. 

So, as there is no cybersecurity and all sense of privacy has been demolished by parasocial fantasies, I would love to share some of my completely unfiltered thoughts for the general public with no intention to deepen them here. I admire myself for being emotional and so should everyone else. 

Thought Nr 1 

I loathe bosses in companies. There is no ethical power dynamic in any work setting, and I hate having to listen to people be miserable under someone else’s force. I would never want to be the boss of anything, because I despise the money-hungry, capitalistic and exploitive nature of rulers and refuse to believe in the utopian idea that “I could do it better”, because as soon as there’s a single voice deciding everything, there can be no equal and good foundation. 

Thought Nr 2

I think I’m a bad feminist. 

Thought Nr 3 

I don’t think that I want to return to Luxembourg in the future. If I can avoid it, then I will. 

Thought Nr 4

I want to have children as soon as possible, but I worry that I should never have children because of my mental health and the fact that I’m a bad feminist and horrible example of a woman. 

Thought Nr 5

Seriously; what kind of feminist am I? 

Thought Nr 6

Sometimes I’m too dramatic over the stuff that happened to me and sometimes I think I’m not mad enough. 

Thought Nr 7 

I would take her back if she asked. But I would also report her if she asked. 

Thought Nr 8 

I’ve been depressed for more than half of my life and now I don’t know who I am without the sadness. I feel sad because I want to feel sad. I feel so high on medication most of the time that I only know I’m still sad, because it’s all I’ve ever known. 

Thought Nr 9 

I yearn to be chosen more than anything else in the world. I would give up years of my life to be wanted to the point that someone would choose me.

Thought Nr 10 

I worry about being too old to feel like this. Or too old to let myself be treated like shit. Too old to have no self-respect. Too old not to care about myself. At some point, I worry that I’m just a twenty-year-old girl who still feels like self-harming is the only way to survive. 

Thought Nr 11

I constantly think about a Substack article I read where a woman talked about her friend who was stuck in an abusive relationship and didn’t do anything about it. The woman was mad at her friend because she called herself a feminist, and, although, the responses from other users were protective of the friend, I worry that I’m a bad feminist because I’m stuck.