Love is a Mixtape
I know, I know, the title of this article is very cliché and on the nose for me, an avid Rob Sheffield enjoyer with a slight crusader undertone, but since the exams are approaching, and I refuse to let this blog rest, I wanted to share some of my recent favourite songs. Thus, I present to you a playlist curated by a melodramatic teen who forgives (and forgets) too easily and is cursed with living a love life that feels too often voyeuristic and performative.
We hug now – Sydney Rose
Yup, entering the gunfight with an atomic bomb. I think this song was actually written about me, like genuinely. There’s nothing worse than knowing that you’re stuck. On some solitary nights, I feel seventeen. I feel seventeen and dirty, used, and like I’ll never get rid of the memory. On other nights, I think of silly boys or ex-friends, who come back whenever they please, raise my hopes and then leave again. This song came out at the right, or maybe wrong, moment, and I haven’t stopped listening to it ever since I stumbled upon it.
I have a feeling you got everything you wantedAnd you're not wasting time stuck here like meYou're just thinkin' it's a small thing that happenedThe world ended when it happened to me
Back to Friends - sombr
My personal 10th circle of hell is definitely running into a person you don’t talk to anymore. I mean, yes, we probably met up because I wanted it to happen, but, God, it’s always the wrong choice, isn’t it? I’m that type of person who believes that “if we just see each other and talk, then it’ll all be fine.” Probably because I think that no one is ever that mean in person. I mean, I have been proven wrong, but still. Just seeing the face you’re hurting might help one think. So it hurts even more when you finally see each other, and you’re strangers again. Or even worse, you’re not, but you still have to be. Man, writing about this just made me realise how shitty it is to see an ex again. I’ve shared beds with people I loved, and it’s strangely the one thing that always hurts to remember. What do you mean I fell asleep in your arms while you were playing guitar and humming into my ears, and now you pretend like I don’t exist? I’m not cut out for not loving someone.
How can we go back to being friendsWhen we just shared a bed? (Yeah)How can you look at me and pretendI'm someone you've never met?
The longest goodbye – ROLEMODEL
You’re always yearning for that “Yeehaw” right in the middle of that song, aren’t you? I expected it to come, and as a cowboy fetishist, I was slightly disappointed. I often forget that boys can be sad about relationships as well. I’ve become so used to imagining them as demonic caricatures of soul-eating monsters that I’ve forgotten that some of them aren’t that bad (though I’m still waiting to meet those boys). Right, breakups. I’ve broken up with people, as far as fickle teen relationships go, and as I have become older, I’ve realised that it’s becoming more difficult to actually cut ties. I miss speaking my mind and childishly insulting people who’ve done me wrong, and I’ve become too accustomed to putting myself in their shoes and feeling awkward for myself. Most people tell me that I’m masochistic in my relationships, and while that might be true to some extent, I cannot understand how juvenile ignorance became flagellating lack of self-respect. I try to be empathetic, but I worry it’s my underlying need for “punishment” that makes me prioritise others. I dunno. I just want to be kind to others.
Okay, so that escalated quickly. To end it on a softer note, I refuse to date a musician, but wouldn’t it be so nice to hear a man long for you? Mourn you so publicly? (There go the voyeuristic tendencies…)
And if this is my goodbyeIt's been the longest of my life
Bitches Broken Heart – Billie Eilish
I needn’t pretend that I don’t care about Billie Eilish, but still, I remember loving this song when it first came out. Btw, I still pride myself on discovering Billie Eilish’s music when she had about 40 thousand Instagram followers and had just released her EP. She was featured in one of those “artists that will surely blow up soon” posts, and lo and behold, blow up she did! She’s very talented, but I think my music taste has expanded since 2018, and I don’t identify with her genre of music anymore. Anyway, I just rediscovered this song, and it’s incredibly calming. I know the lyrics fit the theme here, but this time I actually like it more for the sound! She was so young then, and her voice had the right amount of quirkiness for a 13-year-old listener who went around quoting interviews from Queen and calling herself “an old soul”. (How on earth did I have friends??)
Everybody knowsYou and I are suicide and stolen art
Girls & Boys – Blur
We’re moving out of the depression!! Time to think about nicer times: Dublin with the silly vaginas (yes, this is what Sarah, Briana and I call each other). This was playing in the student bar, and it was perfectly pretentious for me and unbearably boring for the other two cool girls. (They were playing Pulp on the dance floor; this is partying for sad virgins… I love it.) We were tipsy the entire trip, and it was hilarious. Every memory of that trip just makes me smile because we were having the times of our lives, and I could actually picture myself living there (KNOCK ON WOOD, PLEASE!!). That evening so many drunk boys approached us, and, who would have thought, the next day we were the drunk girls approaching the boys. Although deemed as “iconic” by my wingwomen, I shudder from the thought that I made out with 4 different boys on one evening AT THE SAME STUDENT BAR, and EACH OF THEM TEXTED ME IN THE MORNING. Other than that I was far too drunk to remember, I wholeheartedly believe that I was a gentle kisser because I kept interrupting the sessions to look at my best friend and ask her if she was alright. I didn’t get herpes, btw, just a ridiculous amount of jealousy texts from someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend. Idiot. Anyway, slight bit of oversharing, but I love this song. This song is just so Dublinesque for me.
Girls who are boys who like boys to be girlsWho do boys like they're girls, who do girls like they're boysAlways should be someone you really love
My Kink Is Karma – Chappell Roan
Claiming this energy xx
Fuck people who treat others like shit.
Fun fact: I posted some of the lyrics to my public Instagram story, and some guy who’s quite a bit older than me commented, “Thank God you’re 19 then.” HUH? Insanity, babe.
Anyway, do I imagine this song playing at the one bar where she and I used to go to all of the time? Hell yeah.
Does my hair look fantastic in every one of those visions? You bet it does!
It took me quite some time to start listening to Chappell again because I always associated her with that ex-person, and it puts this heavy feeling on my chest. Yet, life moves on with or without me, and I’d really like to have some lovely music to guide me when I’m “reclaiming my territory”.
It's comical, bridges you burn
If karma's real, hope it's your turn
I heard from Katie
You're losing it lately
Moved back with your parents
And date girls who are eighteen
ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? - Tyler, the Creator
No, we’re not.
Don't say, "Goodbye, smell you later" (bye, later)
My Sweet Lord – George Harrison
I’m dehydrated most of the time because I spend at least two days a week mourning George Harrison’s death. Again, I refuse to date a musician, but, oh, the possibilities…
Cool About It – Boygenius
Have you ever been depressed and dated someone who’s also suffering from depression? The burdening feeling of exhaustion becomes a competition and very quickly turns into a need to suffer more profoundly and extremely than anyone else. There’s nothing worse than fights where you’re somewhat begging for affection, and you just get a “You’re depressed, too. I thought you’d understand it.” Realistically speaking, I knew someone would have to step up and become the caretaker; I just didn’t expect to think that my suffering wouldn’t be valid anymore then. This song doesn’t make me feel “cool about it”; I usually end up crying. Sometimes we do have to talk about “it”. I’m just not ready for that yet.
And before you forget about this overdramatic and depressive playlist, listen to “Bullseye” (Lucy Dacus and Hozier) and “Back To Me” (The Marías) for me. If you feel somewhat closer to me because I overshared again, then you’ll probably get why these newly released songs touched me.
Once, I took your medication to know what it's likeAnd now I have to act like I can't read your mindI ask you how you're doing and I let you lie
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